In Theatres: Valentine's Day

"Valentine's Day" directed by Gary Marshall, features an all star cast of today's A-List celebrities. The premise is simple: the movie follows the stories of a bunch of people in LA on Valentine's Day, a romcom of the ups and downs of love. The movie was the right blend of saccharine and superficial.

The best parts of this movie were when the characters actually had chemistry. It was wonderful to see Julia Roberts return to the big screen, and she connected well with Bradley Cooper. Her story as a soldier returning home was a little difficult to believe at first (Julia, a soldier?) but she managed to make the character worthwhile. Jennifer Garner always manages to be youthful, cute, and warm at the same time. And her role was different for her, as the other woman. I despise Taylor Swift, but she got the most laughs in the theatre, deservedly so, as the ditsy high schooler. Julia's niece Emma showed a lot of promise as an actress, playing a more sanitized version of Juno. Rounding out the better part of the cast was the beautiful Jessica Biel, whose scenes were hilarious (especially when she was on her treadmill and it sped up while she tried to get the phone, classic romcom!).

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This movie would have been better had the film been a series of vignettes rather than drawing out the story lines. The cast was so massive that some of the characters got lost along the way. Each story focused on a different type of relationship, at a different stage, so it would have made for a better movie to have gone from the high schoolers to the old married couple, in self contained short films.

The major drawback of this film was the storyline about the little boy. I am completely disgusted by love sick kids in movies. First, kids don't have the hormones yet to be attracted to people. Second, why the hell to people think it's so darn cute? NO! It's just creepy. I wish Jennifer Garner (who played the boy's teacher) would have acted more appropriately creeped out when he was hitting on her, as she could lose her job a la Mary Kay Laterneau. Plus, aren't kids falling in love so cliche?!

Jamie Foxx' ego is so big that it dominates everything he's in, including this movie. Eric Dane, though funny in this movie, isn't exactly an A-List star. Jessica Alba's and Patrick Dempsey's characters were thoroughly unlikeable. And though Shirley McLaine gave a great performance, her character was unlikable too.

The best story lines were between Anne Hathaway and Topher Grace as a young couple who were dating for just two weeks, Taylor Launter and Taylor Swift as the high school airheads, Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper on the plane, and Jennifer Garner and Ashton Kutcher as two friends who don't realize they love each other yet.

This wasn't a perfect movie. The characters were undeveloped (there were just far too many to give them much focus, especially Queen Latifah) and the story was disconnected. However, a few hours after seeing the movie I realized I was in a good mood, and if anything, a movie such as this should do just that.

Track of the Week: "3 Words"

Can't believe it's already the fourth week! With Track of the Week, we've been trying to highlight some current or forthcoming music. This week we're taking a trip across the pond.

"3 Words" by Cheryl Cole, from the album "3 Words"

A tabloid fixture in her native Britain, and a member of the supergroup "Girls Aloud," Cheryl Cole recently launched her solo career to great acclaim and commercial success. She's astonishingly beautiful, and that can sometimes distract from her work.

"Fight For this Love," was the typical dance pop of Girls Aloud, but for her second single, Cheryl Cole released "3 Words," a laid back, slightly electronic/acoustic song. Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas features on the track, but he doesn't detract from the song's appeal. The song slowly builds momentum until it hits the chorus, a quiet confession about someone being "the love of my life."

The video is really more interesting than the song itself, with long tracking shots, kaleidoscope effects, and somewhat of a Dali/Elizabeth Taylor vibe.

Hopefully Cheryl gets back with Girls Aloud, but until then the cool electronica of her solo album is a real treat.

Jabba the Hutt: Renaissance Man

“Imagine if you will... the most ominous creature in existence. Now imagine that this creature is the ruthless leader of the most dangerous cutthroats in the galaxies.”

That’s how Kenner’s 1984 toy catalog described one of the most brilliant creations in the history of mankind: Jabba the Hutt.

Jabba the Hutt is vastly underappreciated. The poor Hutt is lampooned and jeered at all over, whether in movies or on the internet. He has been reduced to a symbol of the greed and gluttony of America. Jokes are made that fat people are Jabba, which if anything, is quite an unfair comparison for poor Mr. Hutt. He can’t help that his anatomy is made to me large. People, on the other hand, aren’t.

Jabba the Hutt was cunning and intelligent. No one can get to the top without the right amount of brains (granted, Jabba had the all the guards money can buy to make a point if the powers of his intellect weren’t enough). Jabba was also a caring Hutt. He once saved Ephant Mon on the ice moon of Glakka by shielding him with his body. Only the most caring person would risk their own life to save a trusted comrade. Sadly, even in his own universe, Jabba was misunderstood. Everyone in his court plotted against him, save for Ephant. Jabba expertly made sure to pit his courtiers against each other, thereby distracting them from finishing him off. Jabba even had an appreciation for art, of the carbonite sort. He was a patron of dancing and music, employing a band and a dance troupe in his desert palace.

If it wasn’t for that stupid slave girl and her Jedi friend, Jabba would be basking in the coolness of his palace on the arid sand dunes of Tatoonie at this moment.

Jabba was a renaissance man. Only someone so amazing would be so misunderstood. Greatness is too much for people.

So whenever you watch Star Wars again, or before you are about to make a Hutt joke, think about the Hutt you are making fun of. He is surprisingly not at all who think he is.

Jabba is also very kawaii!

Profound and Entertaining: Tokyo Gore Police

I don't feel as qualified as Hedorah to review this film, but as I really enjoyed this film, I'll give it a go.

"Tokyo Gore Police" is the latest in the wondrous world of j-horror, second to only "Machine Girl" in zaniness and awesomeness. A virus created by "The Key Man" (so called as his calling card, like the puzzle piece of Jigsaw, is a key shape) turns people in "Engineers," people who once injured, grow weapons from the point of injury. The TGP are an elite group of engineer hunters, who track down and destroy the Engineers from further spreading the virus. Ruka, who helps the TGP track down the Engineers, is looking for the killer of her father. Ruka meets the Key Man, who tells her about the corruption of the TGP. I won't cover the rest of the movie, because it's just too good to spoil. Seriously, you must watch this movie.

What makes it so great?

Gore. gore. gore. And more gore. Like "Machine Girl," TGP is full of geysers of blood spraying at the slightest injury. One notable scene is when a woman at a transit stop is cut into bits and pieces, her blood put into bottles, and her dismembered body neatly placed in a box. Any viewer will be left speechless at how sublime this truly is. When Ruka is harassed on a train, she teaches a lesson by cutting the mans hands off, which literally rain blood. The scene of her walking away, in a modern version of a Geisha's gown, with an umbrella shielding her from the blood is truly visual poetry. I'm not saying that to be funny, it really is a wonderfully composed shot.

Weirdness. Japanese culture is one of the best because it fully embraces weirdness. There's a scene where an Engineer grows a crocodile lower body to attack someone. Another engineer grows a giant penis (never thought I'd write that). The truly breathtaking, speechless scene in the movie takes place in what I call the Deformed Fetish Pleasure Club. A blend of a freak show and a cabaret, the weirdness of this club reaches unparalleled heights. A woman is no longer a woman, but a flattened piece of skin who is addicted to morphine. One woman had turned into a snail, her eyes like antenna. Another woman has sprouted a penis in place of her nose.

The depth. The club scene is one example of how enlightening and profound this movie is. It shows how desensitized society has become to the most debased sexual perversions, and how people will stop at nothing to satiate their sickened curiosities. Interspersed throughout the film are brief commercials which show that the country has become a police state, relying on martial law at the expense of individual freedoms. Other commercials show kids eagerly cutting their wrists with kawaii cutters, which conveys the troubled state today's youth is in, and ironically how widespread violence is.

If you want to be entertained on one level by campy gore and zaniness, watch this movie. If you want to intellectually stimulated and ponder the state of society, as presented through ironic and brilliant satire, watch this movie too.  
 
The gore delights of Tokyo Gore Police await you!

Counting Down the Best RomComs

Hedorah requested I countdown the best romcoms of all time, and so I shall. Basic conventions of the romcom include:

1) The meet cute. This is a term used by film studies people to describe the situation, always humorous and unintended on the part of the characters, when the two people meet. In Serendipity, it's selecting the same pair of gloves at the same time and having to fight over it.

2) The love-hate dynamic. The said couple is intensely attracted to each other, but at first is reluctant to admit it so they are often dismissive of each other. It makes for great comedy as they try and battle the sexual tension.

3) The best friend. Usually a fat broad or a lonely gay guy, the best friend is dependable but never outshines the lead. The best friend in modern romcoms is almost exclusively played by Judy Greer. (No kidding, she is in almost all the romcoms! As Timothy Spall is to ugly roles, Judy Greer is to the best friend role).

4) The break up. After dating and really enjoying each other for a while, a very obvious misunderstanding causes the couple to break up. The girl sits on the couch, wearing frumpy clothes, and watches TV while eating out of an ice cream carton (see: Bridget Jones). The guy pours himself into his work and hangs out with his friends playing sports but missing his girl.

5) The get back together. Against their every wish, the couple is thrust back together in a humorous situation (a la the balloon ride scene in The Ugly Truth) and then reconcile and fall in love all over again.

The appeal of romcoms lies in this predictability. You go to the theatre expecting the outcome, and therefore can sit back and enjoy it without being preoccupied.

Without further delay, the best romcoms:

10) Shakespeare in Love - 1998. A story about Shakespeare falling in love that is built around the plot line of Romeo and Juliet and Twelfth Night, this movie is one of two romcoms to win a Best Picture Oscar. To say that it's excellent is a disservice to this movie. Gwyneth Paltrow stars as the love interest of Shakespeare, played by the long-necked Joseph Fiennes. Judi Dench's less than 15 minutes on screen as Elizabeth I is so captivating, that she won an Oscar. I adore this film.

9) Something's Gotta Give - 2003. I'm not too much of a fan of Diane Keaton and her bizarre turtle-neck sweater fetish, but this is a great movie. Jack Nicholson is dating her daughter, but as the two spend more and more time together, they fall in love. Along the way, Diane goes out with a handsome young doctor, played by a surprisingly not-wooden Keanu Reeves, which foils the relationship of the crusty Jack Nicholson and Amanda Peet. The heart attack scene is so funny. I love the ending in Paris, where they finally confess their love for each other. It's Complicated has nothing on this movie.

8) The Very Thought of You - 1998. Joseph Fiennes reappears on our list in this underground British romcom. A really pretty girl abandons her problematic life in America and buys a $99 ticket to London on a whim to start over. Three men, all very good friends, fall in love with her but as they tell each other their stories, they don't realize it's the same woman. Joe ends up with her in the end. Great humor, and a very magical story, and marvelous acting make this clever movie a departure from the norm.

7) Bridget Jones's Diary - 2001. Renee Zellwegger gained a lot of weight for her role as the large ditz with an out-of-her-hands life. Based liberally on Pride & Prejudice, the plot is the same as its source material. Hilarious jokes and frank British sexual humor spruce it up, along with the normally dull Colin Firth parodying himself as Mr. Darcy. A classic of the modern genre.

6) 13 Going on 30 - 2004. Jennifer Garner plays a girl who desperately wanted to be popular in high school. She gets sent forward in time to find that she's a successful business woman and popular. But when she reconnects with her best friend from school, and falls for him, she realizes that being popular made her a mean person and gives it all up to go back. The 80s flashbacks to high school are excellent, with a Madonna soundtrack and funny pop culture references. The scenes of Jennifer Garner getting used to being 30 are hilarious.

5) The Awful Truth - 1937. Cary Grant and Irene Dunne star as a couple who are married but are getting a divorce. They spend a humorous evening together going to a party, then travelling to her uncle's house confronting the issues in their relationship. In the end, they wind up falling back in love. Two memorable scenes include the singing scene at the party, and the car falling down a slope near the end. Though old, this is a classic of the genre and is humorous and safe for the whole family.

4) Bringing Up Baby - 1938. Another oldie but goodie. A tiger, a stiff by-the-book guy, and a vivacious girl collide in a rollicking, humorous adventure. The film is heavy on slapstick with the tiger, but it's a true classic. Katherine Hepburn is impeccable as usual, in a comedic departure from her usual dramas. Cary Grant stars as the straight laced man who falls in love with her.

3) The Wedding Singer - 1998. Adam Sandler plays a loser who teaches music, who falls in love with Drew Barrymore, a nice girl who's dating the wrong guy. Set in the 1980s, the film is rife with hilarious references to the pop culture of the decade. The soundtrack, featuring Madonna among others, is one of the best compilations ever. It is a virtual greatest hits of the decade. The supporting cast is spot on, and the humorous but touching ending on the plane is silly but fun. This movie is really just a good time as any!

2) Catch and Release - 2006. I was hesitant to include this on the list at first, because it's more of a drama. The radiant and under appreciated Jennifer Garner plays a girl whose fiance dies on their wedding day. She falls in love with his best friend, the ne'er-do-well photographer Fritz (who is currently starring as the cop in "The Crazies"), while overcoming her grief and the revelation that she didn't know her fiance as well as she thought. The filming is beautiful, and the movie is actually a step above its own genre. The humor of the movie is largely provided by Juliette Lewis, playing a hippy, and Kevin Smith, who plays Fritz' fat but funny roommate. A touching ending pulls on the heart strings. This is a marvelous gem of a movie.

1) Never Been Kissed - 1999. Drew Barrymore plays a reporter for the Chicago Sun Times who goes undercover as a high school student. She's was a loser then, and starts off as a loser now. But then she falls for her irresistible English teacher, played by Michael Vartan. She masquerades as a popular girl but then everything blows up in her face as he discovers her deception. The ending is amazing, and makes this movie earn the number one spot. Drew is funny as usual, and really carries the movie. Alias fans will appreciate Mike's turn as the teacher. Oh, and Madonna's Like a Prayer is in this movie too.

Worst romcom: Maid of Honor

Honorable mention best romcoms: The Wedding Planner and The Proposal

To the cashier at the Borders on the corner of Halsted & North in Chicago, I've seen The Holiday, it wasn't as good as you said.

"Hey mister, do you know 'Rock 'n Roll'?": Wild Zero

Like the hordes of undead themselves, zombie comedies are overrunning the pop culture landscape. This sub-genre's reign shows no signs of slowing down. Last year alone saw the release of numerous books and movies that cast a humorous light on the undead. Most notably there was the New York Times bestseller Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (a goofy reworking of the Jane Austen classic), Death Troopers (the first Star Wars horror novel and the only book in the history of literature to feature zombie wookies), and the crowd pleasing Zombieland. So what makes this blend so appealing? I can't speak for everyone, but I believe that, when done correctly, a zombie comedy is a delicious mix of action, horror, and pure insanity. Wild Zero, a Japanese movie from 2000, is such a mix.

Wild Zero opens with a view of the Earth as seen from outer space. Hundreds of UFOs swarm across the screen. They are arriving to launch the zombie apocalypse and doom us all. Wild Zero, if you couldn't guess from this, is a movie that doesn't take itself seriously. The UFO plot point is ripped straight from no-budget 1950's science fiction. In particular it seems to be a nod to Plan 9 From Outer Space, a favorite amongst fans of "so bad it's good" cinema. This should give you a hint as to the tone of Wild Zero- it's crazy, campy, and makes no attempt to slow down and think about things.

As one would expect, the characters that populate the world of Wild Zero are as colorful as can be. Our hero is Ace, a rock 'n roll fanboy who wants nothing more in life than to be just like his favorite band, Guitar Wolf. Guitar Wolf is a real Japanese rock band which consists of three band members who go by the matter-of-fact stage names Guitar Wolf, Bass Wolf, and Drum Wolf. All three have starring roles in Wild Zero playing exaggerated versions of themselves to great comedic effect. It's hard not to love Guitar Wolf. They all dress in a simple uniform that consists of black leather jackets, sunglasses, and slicked-back hair. In between battles with the undead, they scream into microphones that shoot fire, offer advice against intolerance ("Love has no borders, nationalities, or genders!"), and make Ace their rock 'n roll blood brother (when Ace is in danger, he can blow a whistle to summon the band to his aid). The majority of the soundtrack consists of Guitar Wolf songs, and they, like the movie itself, are loud, fast, obsessed with B-grade sci-fi and horror, and distinctly Japanese.

Standing in Guitar Wolf and Ace's path to happiness is hundreds of hungry undead. The zombies in Wild Zero are an odd bunch of creatures. They have blueish complexions, similar to the zombies in Dawn of the Dead (1978), but unlike that crowd, the creatures in Wild Zero can speak, and they seem to have clear memories of their lives pre-zombification. In one humorous yet bizarre scene a zombie attempts to trick a group of humans into thinking he is one of the living.

While the zombies themselves are entertaining, the majority of the special effects surrounding them are pretty bad, and are easily the weakest part of the movie. The zombie makeup is passable, but could've used some touching up. The computer generated exploding zombie heads, however, are atrocious looking, and represent everything that is wrong with CG gore. It doesn't help that Wild Zero was made in the early 2000's, making such poor effects look dated as well as cheap. Luckily, this is not a movie that relies on special effects to propel the zombie mayhem. Instead, it uses the strong personalities of its characters to grab your attention, which makes the subpar gore more forgivable than it might be in another story.

In fact, I would argue that the true villain of Wild Zero is not the zombie horde, but rather a greedy, sleazy, club owner with a passion for criminally short shorts. While a money hungry business man is not exactly a new character concept, the way this man dresses, speaks, and acts is totally unique, totally hilarious, and very different than anything I could imagine seeing in an American movie of this style. I would even say that Wild Zero is worth looking into just to see this outrageous character.

Wild Zero is a movie created for a specific taste. It is crazy, random, fast, loud, and packs in as much fun per minute as is humanly possible. Its something you either "get" or you don't. For the record, I get the joke of Wild Zero, and it never gets old.

In Appreciation of Vera Farmiga

Now that she's nominated for an Oscar, Vera Farmiga has entered the acting big leagues. I've loved Vera's work for some time now. She is a rare talent like Cate Blanchett: a chameleon. Give her any role and she isn't just herself playing a character, she becomes the character.

Vera's most notable stint to date has been the love intereste of Matt Damon in "The Departed." Her character could potentially be one dimensional, but she gave a nuanced portrayal. Then she starred as the mother in "Orphan," from which our blog title derives. The movie took a nosedive into cliche toward the middle, but her acting was excellent as usual. She played a tortured mother, trying to get over alcoholism and raise some kids. Then she was in "Up in the Air," for which has received her Oscar nomination. The movie was extremely bad, and it's appeal was strictly to the midlife crisis crowd. It was so boring, had poor humor, and was very crude. But Vera's stint in the movie was a good foil to George Clooney's character.

Vera's best movie is the Korean drama "Never Forever." She plays a woman married to a successful Korean businessman. She feels keen pressure from his traditional family to get pregnant but can't. She is driven in her desperation to sleep with another Korean man, a stranger she meets. Over time, as her husband becomes increasingly selfish in the face of her unknown sacrifices, she falls for the stranger. The soundtrack is beautiful, but the film itself is as close to poetry as a motion picture can get. Shots of New York City looked like paintings. The lighting and cinematography people were really good. Vera's acting as the tortured wife was excellent. I wish she won an Oscar for this movie, or at least some Korean film award.

Keep watching Vera's career. She's consistent and will surely rise.

Is it just me or does she look like a hybrid of Cate Blanchett and Patricia Arquette?

Rant: "No wonder there's panic in the industry"

Britney sung this line in her cold and calculated anthem of not caring what people think about her in “Piece of Me.”

The music industry suffered during the 2000s. The beginning of the decade saw massive success, from artists like Britney and the Backstreet Boys. But toward the middle of the decade, as bubblegum pop became replaced by hiphop and indie, sales lagged. This is indicative of the quality of the latter genres.

Hiphop/R-n-B/rap, whatever you want to call it, is horridly unoriginal. Sure, there are some songs that are passably enjoyable (Jay Sean’s “Down”) but they are so trite that their enjoyment shelf life is relatively short. Hiphop relies on samples (aka blatantly stealing from previous hits) which shows how, in a way, ignorant the listening public is. Classic songs like “You Spin Me Round” are largely (and regrettably) forgotten by the biggest consumer demographic, the young, and incorporated into such rotten songs as Florida’s “Right Round.” Yes, it’s catchy upon a first listen but then the sadness of the sample/stealing sinks in. Who doesn’t enjoy the campy, so-cheap-its-good video, expressive vocal work, and bright dance beats of the original Dead or Alive/Pete Burns classic? Sadly, the answer is not a lot of people these days. Hiphop also relies on auto-tune to make up for the lack of talented vocalists. The robotic effect is awesome sounding, but when Kanye West used it on his latest album, it just about died for me. A rapper cannot sing, and thus must heavily computerize his vocal work.

If I even try to tackle the indie genre, this post would last for years. I’ll just say this much, Billboard said that indie suffered the most in terms of sales in 2009 and that made me very happy.

But what of pop/rock? 2007-2008 was an excellent period of music releases. Britney’s “Blackout” came out in 2007. A combination of dark synthpop and urban dance, it was her least commercially successful album but her best artistic work, and a worthy successor to the excellent “In the Zone.” Kylie Minogue’s comeback after battling cancer, “X” was released in 2007 (2008 in the US). A joyous celebration of life and fun, Kylie’s album was a shameless throwback to the 80s produced pop that made her a megastar. Coldplay released “Viva la Vida, or Death and All his Friends” in 2008. 2005’s “X&Y” was a sonic masterpiece that created its own sound: a fusion of dance and rock. “Viva la Vida” is a masterpiece in its own right: a musical exploration of such lofty themes as life and death. I have so many good memories of seeing them in concert supporting the album that I literally cannot listen to the album anymore. It’s too emotional, as cheesy as that sounds. Madonna released “Hard Candy” in 2008. Every song is excellent and fun on their own, but when placed together, the album paled in comparison to her 2005 album “Confessions on a Dance Floor,” which was one of her best albums ever. Madonna, sadly, fell into the hiphop trap, what crap. It’s a sad thing when the woman who set the trends for the last 20 some odd years begins to follow them. Her relevance in the US market is pretty much lost under the weight of all the Gagas, Katy Perrys, and Mileys of the world.

Then came 2009. Lady Gaga was really the only good thing that came out of that year. Notice I didn’t say great. She stands out from all the other music, but in her own way, she also neatly fits into it all. As stated in an earlier post, she has time to develop a unique place in the musical landscape. Katy Perry’s “Hot N Cold” was so poppy and upbeat, but songs like “I Kissed a Girl” and “Thinking of You” are the most rotten things you’ll hear in a while. She doesn’t sing very well, has a weird fruit fetish, and tries way to hard to be that “weird sexy rock chick.” Miley Cyrus managed to cross over from the tween market to the mainstream, but “Party in the USA” is no masterpiece. Britney released her album “Circus” in late 2008. The album, aside from its singles and standout track “Unusual You,” was boring, dull, and bland. I listened to it once. A single from her greatest hits album, “3” was really one of the only good songs of the year, because of its unabashed rave sound. The Black Eyed Peas ruled the charts with monster hits “Boom Boom Pow” and “I Gotta Feeling,” both so overplayed and manufactured that their success mystifies me.

2009 was also the year of Taylor Swift, and if I tried to relate my feelings about this talenteless girl, whose grateful persona is getting so old, then I'd waste my whole life ranting.

2010 has started off on the wrong foot. Newcomer Ke$ha’s song “Tik Tok,” which obviously steals its entire backing track from Kylie’s far superior “Love at First Sight,” was fun for the first two listens, but after discovering its thievery, its trashy party-all-night-and-get-drunk message makes me cringe. But there is hope yet. Madonna, Kylie, and Britney have albums due out this year, and Lady Gaga may release her third sometime near Christmas. I’m not saying the whole music industry relies on their success, nor that everyone will enjoy what they put out, but they’re all well established and for the most part, consistent.

But then again, for every Kylie, Madonna and Britney, we also are promised with a release by Justin Beiber, the inevitable tween crazy Twilight soundtrack, and a new Katy Perry album…like we need any of those.

Track of the Week: Monster

"Monster" by Lady GaGa from the album "The Fame Monster."

Seeing as we reviewed Lady GaGa and The Wolfman movie this week, I've chosen Lady Gaga's "Monster" as the Track of the Week.

"Monster" is one of the best tracks from the album. It is dark, eerie and epic all at the same time. The opening robotic cries of "He ate my heart" practically make the song excellent by themselves. The electronic dance track is as dark as the lyrics, which relate the story of Gaga's Monster consuming her completely. We get the sense that this wasn't a nice guy. The bridge of the song is astonishing, as Gaga sings "we french kissed on a subway train, he ate my heart and then he ate my brain." The prechorus, in which Gaga sings about wondering who the Monster is on the dancefloor, has the best melody on the entire album.

Gaga performed monster in an homage to to Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" (an excellent campy horror film!) on her Monster Ball Tour. Dressed in a black feathered cape with feathered mask, images of ravens and a forest flashed across a red background video.

The song isn't single worthy, as say "Alejandro" or "Bad Romance," but it is a highlight of the album. It's dark, entrancing lyrics, powerful dance beats, and arena-sized melody, makes for an enjoyable and bewitching three minutes.

On TV: Masterpiece's Persuasion

Tune into Masterpiece Classic on PBS tonight for a magical and sumptuous adaptation of Jane Austen’s “Persuasion.”

Jane Austen wrote “Persuasion” on her death bed, and if anything it is a novel of regrets. It is her most serious work, without the frilliness of some of her other novels. Anne Elliot was in love with the dashing, but poor, Captain Wentworth many years ago. She was persuaded by a friend of the family to reject his marriage proposal. She never saw him again. Life past by her with longing and pining. Her youth faded away as her father, sister, and a hanger-on, Ms. Clay, continued with their typical selfish and vain ways. Baronet Elliot is forced to lease his estate to an admiral because of the threat of financial ruin. Anne goes to the country to stay with her sister (who provides the only typical Austen humor of the novel, though in this case quite sad as she is so self centered). Then Captain Wentworth shows up, more rich and more handsome than ever. He treats her quite rudely at first but they are forced to spend time together as her sister’s in-laws and the admiral enjoys spending time with him. The company goes to Lyme Regis, a coastal resort town and Anne takes care of her niece who gets injured. This reawakens Wentworth’s love for her, seeing that she is, and always was, a good person. She goes to Bath to see her father and Ms. Clay. They attend the social events of the popular resort city. While attending a concert she can bear it no longer, she must tell Wentworth her feelings. They defy the social conventions of the day and leave the concert only to be cut short. Later, Anne and Wentworth finally have an opportunity to tell each other that they still love each other.

This adaptation captures the moving yet poignant aspects of the story. Sally Hawkins plays Anne Elliot with quiet earnestness. Rupert Penry Jones is so good as Wentworth, it’s as if he jumped from the page to the screen. Anthony Head (who starred in “Repo! The Genetic Opera”) captures the vanity and selfishness of Mr. Elliot. Alice Krige plays the meddling but well-meaning Lady Russell that persuades Anne.

There’s a debate in the Janeite community about this film: some hate and some love it. The direction is flowing. The filming locations are beautifully shot: whether the waves crashing at Lyme Regis, the damp cobblestones of the Georgian Crescent in Bath, or the verdant green lawns of the countryside, the scenery will stick with you. The music, composed by the masterful Martin Phipps, is gorgeous. It captures the poignancy and passion of the story deftly. My only gripe is the costumes, they don’t change clothes that often. The ending scene, when Anne runs down the stone streets of Bath caused a stir, but this minor change from the novel is a moving and touching scene.

If you’re in for a wonderful, compelling, and tender film watch “Persuasion.” It’s not fluffy by any means, and is quite a serious, mature story. Regrets are turned into happiness in this, the best of Austen’s stories.

Imperfection is Sometimes Perfect

"I'm Going to Tell You a Secret's" cover image is beautiful, showing the artist alone in the light.

Live albums sometimes eclipse their studio counterparts. Live albums capture the electricity and power of a live concert, that extra magic and wonder, that special "moment," that makes concerts so great: that connection between thousands of fans in one room, at one time, united by the music. Studio albums are perfect, controlled pieces of music. Live albums capture the idiosyncrasies of a live performance, when perhaps not every note is hit just right, or the arrangement of the song differs from the studio version. These make the live recording special and unique.

Madonna released "I'm Going to Tell You a Secret" in 2006, on the heels of her highly successful "Confessions" project. The documentary, an inside look at her life behind the scenes of her Re-Invention Tour, and the highs and lows of being a star, is an excellent testament to her message. The accompanying CD, is sadly overlooked. Perhaps its because the parent album "American Life" was one of her most excellent works yet, or because it was her first proper live album, but it deserves a five star rating.

Madonna's voice is what makes this album so great. It's not the soft vocals of her albums, but a raspy, sometimes flat voice, at times strained, whose secret to success is its strength. She is a powerhouse on this album, belting out with all her might. We are rarely treated to such a performance by Ms. Ciccone.

"The Beast Within," a reworking of her sexual magnum opus "Justify my Love," sees Madonna reciting bible passages from the Book of Revelations, this segues into "Vogue," which is mimed in concert from a recording but still thunders. "Nobody Knows Me," a pounding electro song about her rejecting the material world (yeah, right) is followed by a rock and roll version of "American Life," replete with bomb effects and the infamous rap, herein screamed in a strained voice. An Eastern-influenced electronic remix of "Hollywood" segues into the robotic orchestra of "Die Another Day." "Lament," a resounding ballad from "Evita," is one of the high points of the album. She really belts it out on this track. Things continue soaring upward with a thundering rendition of the always powerful "Like a Prayer." The autobiographical song "Mother and Father" is touching and sung in the same high pitch as its studio version. A surprisingly touching rendition of John Lennon's "Imagine" features Madonna leading the audience in the arena in a singalong. The result is powerful. Ominous Scottish bagpipes and drums reverberate as a fusion of Celtic, dance and hiphop rhythms collide in a memorable version of "Into the Groove." "Music" is reinvented as a fierce, bubbling dance song sung by Madonna in an alternatingly deep and high voice. "Holiday" features tribal drums and powerful, throaty vocals that end the concert in a celebratory manner. A bonus track, the original rock version of "I Love New York" is a vast improvement on the released version. Madonna's singing is sweet (as in endearing) and the lyrics don't seem so silly.

Madonna's voice is excellent and carries the record, imperfections and all. It must be said though, that people who aren't fans may easily dismiss the album because of they could perceive the singing as downright awful. The CD segues seamlessly, though perhaps a proper double album of all the songs would have been better. But this under appreciated album deserves more love.

Madonna's strained but strong rendition of "Like a Prayer"

Cliche Movie Lines

We at “Something’s Wrong with Esther” absolutely adore movies. Movies are magical. But like anything, they can sometimes suffer from clichés. Therefore, we are listing some cliché movie lines in today’s post:

“Which wire do I cut?”

I don’t know a thing about bombs. Maybe bombs really do have a green, red and blue wire (neatly color coded!) in an even array by a ticking timer. But seriously, aren’t bombs in real life messy homemade affairs? Unless a terrorist has time to run out to Radio Shack and has the foresight to color code his devious intentions, I find such scenes appalling. It’s always the blue wire too! Green and red aren’t bad, so why does blue get to be the good guy lifesaver?

“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

There have been plenty of TV shows and movies that have used this line. Usually a character (most likely female as this is seen as a ‘nice or more understandable’ reason than a guy just screwing someone) cheats on their spouse and when confronted, uses this line as an excuse. How does this excuse adultery?! I mean, why, why, why? And it sounds like semantics too: how is loving someone different from being in love with someone? If aliens are picking up on the broadcast signals drifting out into the great void of space, they’re probably confused by messy human emotions.

“Well, today’s a good day.”

A cancer stricken protagonist utters this in a forlorn manner when asked by their caring friend/family member how they’re doing. Cancer sucks. I’m sure people with cancer, like everybody else, have their good and bad days but in movies its always where they have that one day to go to the beach, watch the sunset behind the Eiffel Tower or watch their kids frolic in the snow and then they die. The one good day is a cheesy plot device akin to the calm before the storm. It’s always that the one good day gets cut short by cancer.

Kill Or Be Killed: The Wolfman (2010)

It's been said that, finally, the vampire trend that has dominated the pop culture landscape for the last few years is finally reaching its close. Its successor? The werewolf story.

Leading the pack of the upcoming crop of werewolf films is The Wolfman, a remake of the classic 1941 movie of the same name. While this version of The Wolfman deviates from the original in major plot points, each story starts off basically the same. Lawrence Talbot (Benicio Del Toro), the son of a wealthy Englishman, has lived in America for years, making a living as a Shakespearean actor. He has a slightly tense relationship with his father (Anthony Hopkins), and the two have not spoken for some time. It is not until his brother's mysterious disappearance that Lawrence is drawn back to his childhood home.

The home he returns to is a large mansion, covered in dust and cobwebs and dripping with atmosphere. The mansion itself is a perfect example of The Wolfman's visual style. Every floor tile and brick is made to look weathered, worn, and dusty. The colors are vivid and bold, with every setting making a statement, yet blending perfectly into one another. The green plains of the English countryside transition neatly into the dusky interiors of the Talbot estates which meld with the sterile whites of a mental asylum. All in all, the world of The Wolfman looks fantastic. It is exactly the kind of setting where one would could imagine monsters prowling about under the moonlight.

The gore and creature effects, generally, look pretty good too. Lawrence's bone-crunching transformation sequences are my favorite moments in the entire movie. The grinding noises as the bones snap and rearrange themselves, combined with the visual of his hands, feet, and jaws, growing and forming into something inhuman, were very effective. The gore, while not shockingly new or original, worked well enough, and there were a few great moments of action and destruction during the Wolfman's nighttime rampages. Lawrence Talbot's first night as a werewolf, in particular, was a wild, well-executed action sequence that culminated in a fearsome decapitation.

Unfortunately, it is when the action stops, and the talking starts that things start to get boring. The detail that is visible in the character's surrounding environments, isn't found in the plot line. While we see characters fearfully casting silver bullets and locking their doors at night, we never get a great sense of the roots of the town's fears and superstitions. Does everyone in the town believe in werewolves, or is it merely an underground superstition? How far back does the town's relationship with monsters go, and how deeply rooted is their superstition? I realize that it is implied that the small town folk believe in werewolves, while the more educated elite view these superstitions as delusions. Still, I would have liked more detail as to how and why such beliefs came to be.

Similarly, most of the characters came across as a bit one-dimensional. While Benicio Del Toro's weathered face seems like a perfect fit for a heavily stylized monster film of this type, his acting mostly felt flat and unemotional. Anthony Hopkins' character made for an interesting villain, but needed to be fleshed out more. He was interesting in that he reveled in things that his son detested, making him a great contrast to our lead character. The problem is, I never really got a good sense of why he took such great pleasure in the darker side of life, other than the fact that it added an extra twist to the storyline, and allowed for an extra fight scene. The one character I did enjoy here was a Scotland Yard investigator, played by Hugo Weaving. He was delightfully sarcastic, and perfectly believable amongst the fog of the English countryside.

While The Wolfman has its faults, it also has its strengths. It's not the new definitive werewolf movie, but it's no Twilight either. Those who venture out to the theaters to see it are in for an enjoyable, yet occasionally frustrating experience. That said, those who are truly interested should make the trip to see it, if only to witness bone-crunching transformations on the big screen, and in stereo sound.

Lady Gaga: A Review and Conclusions

"We're Plastic but we Still have Fun": Gaga After and Before

I didn’t like Lady Gaga at all the first I heard of her. Her songs would blare out of the stadium near my abode during football games and so I associated her with drunk sports fans. I had heard of her early on because ads for “Just Dance” would show up on the internet. Then she became really huge. “Just Dance” flew to number one and then she released “Poker Face.” It was that song that thawed Gaga for me. “Poker Face” is one of those timeless, eternal dance-pop songs with huge, international appeal. It went to number one everywhere.

The first time I listened to her debut album “The Fame” I wasn’t wholly impressed. But listening to the songs, they really grew on me to the point that not a day goes by I don't listen. While she owes most of her signature sound to producer RedOne, the songs have catchy dance beats with admittedly silly lyrics. But those lyrics get stuck on repeat in your head! “LoveGame” was released and I exhausted it by overplaying it. Then came “Paparazzi”: it’s a dance song but a ballad and has a great melody. It’s still powerful. Album tracks “I Like it Rough,” “Boys Boys Boys,” “Money Honey,” “Paper Gangsta” and “Starstruck” share identical throwbacks to 80s, dark, urban-synthpop. “Beautiful Dirty Rich,” and the “Fame” are rock tracks with a dance vibe to them. The only song worth skipping is “Brown Eyes.” “Eh Eh” and “Summerboy” have Caribbean vibes and take repeated listens to grow on you.

I eagerly awaited the release of her second album, “The Fame Monster.” “Bad Romance” was an epic first single, almost bigger than “Poker Face.” Almost. It’s still on heavy rotation on my mp3 player. “Telephone,” the next single, fizzled out fast for me and isn’t that good. Skip “Speechless” and “Teeth.” The former is boring and sung terribly, and the latter sounds like a leftover from a Christina Aguilera album. But “Alejandro,” an homage to ABBA and Madonna, is buoyant and bubbly. “Monster” is the best song on the album. Its eerie, dark, industrial beats and captivating robotic cry of “he ate my heart” makes it standout from the rest. “Dance in the Dark” is purely magnificent. It starts off like a machine slowly gaining momentum then bursts into full speed. The rap is a complete rip off of Madonna’s “Vogue” but the quality of the track forgives the thievery. “So Happy I Could Die” contains subject matter I don’t find appealing (do we really need to know Gaga touches herself while drinking red wine?), but the melody and lounge atmosphere of the track redeems it.

Gaga’s aesthetic didn’t make sense at all to me until I saw her “Monster Ball Tour.” A blend of old-school video game graphics, glow in the dark lighting, bone-like costumes, and odd videos, the “Monster Ball” was just pure fun. She’s contrived, manufactured, and weird-for-the-sake-of-weird but she likes it that way. “We’re plastic but we still have fun” she sings in “Paparazzi.”

But is she the next Madonna? I am hesitant to make the comparison. She doesn’t really address religious issues in her music. Madonna’s whole message is a blend of the sexual and the spiritual. Gaga’s is more of a pretentious attempt at “performance art” with a heavy dose of sex. Whereas Madonna’s sexual explorations were intelligent (perhaps even coldly calculated), Gaga’s sexual persona is smutty and seamy. In layman’s terms, Madonna would be in an art museum, Gaga in the local adult movie store. But then again, they’d probably like that.

Madonna is still active, so it’s not a good idea to dismiss her or dethrone her. If anyone, Britney Spears will enjoy the longevity and solid success that Madonna has. She continues to move to a new audience while keeping her old one. Britney is an icon in her own right. Beyonce and Rihanna are ubiquitous, but they are not all pop. While they have crossover appeal, their music appeals primarily to the urban community. After their prime passes, it is there that they will continue to enjoy success.

Is Lady Gaga good? Certainly. Her songs are catchy and fun. And I can't remember being this obsessed with an artist in a very long time. I listen to her music incessantly. I follow her every move. Is she the next Queen of Pop? She has a lot of time to develop as an artist, so let’s not make hasty pronouncements. “Eh, eh, there’s nothing else I can say.”

Update: Found this on Youtube. Gaga preforms Paparazzi whilst in the snare of a 40 foot Tentacle Monster on the second leg of the "Monster Ball Tour." What could be better? Perhaps simulated tentacle rape on stage, and I don't so that because I like it but because it would extremely hilarious. But what does this even mean? If it's a metaphor for "paparazzi being monsters who destroy lives" that's not very original. The monster is kinda kawaii!

Edward and Bella: the New Lizzy and Darcy?

Stephanie Meyer was inspired by Pride & Prejudice when writing Twilight. The parallels are obvious, but let’s not get into a debate about plagiarism here.

Edward, the vampire, is very arrogant (some say abusive). He doesn’t condescend himself to talking to Bella (granted, because he really wants to bite her). Bella is a frustrated that he avoids her, and pursues him relentlessly until he reveals his secret. Edward and Bella are young and attractive (though their real life counterparts, Rob and Kristen, need to shower and lay off the weed).

RPattz and KStew: How can two people change looks so much?!

Sounds familiar? Replace the names with Darcy and Lizzy and you have the romantic structure of P&P. Perhaps Jacob Black is the Mister Whickham of the story! (But don’t even get me started on the wolf and all his hormone crazed tween fangirls).

But Lizzy and Darcy are enduring. Their romance continues to inspire and move readers. Edward and Bella are part of a teen craze, that will inevitably be superseded by the next big thing. (I can’t wait for those ‘where are they now shows’ that show old teen heartthrobs recovering from addiction and working at a pool concrete business a la Christopher Atkins from The Blue Lagoon. Kristen Stewart may very well wind up doing toothpaste and eyelash medication commercials like Brooke Shields also of The Blue Lagoon. I have nothing against The Blue Lagoon, I loved it as a kid. We at "Something's Wrong with Esther" like Brooke Shields, she's just an easy example).

Brooke Shields: Actress turned Shameless Celebrity Product Endorser

Until then, we can enjoy Edward and Bella as an appetizer, but Darcy and Lizzy will always be the main course (forgive this bad metaphor).

A Monster is Born: Gojira (1954)

Godzilla has starred in twenty-eight films, has won numerous awards, and is an international icon beloved by children all over the world. Not bad for a fictional character. Especially when you consider that this character's first film was a dark, not-so-subtle metaphor for the horrors of nuclear warfare.

Many Americans have never seen the side of the Godzilla legend that is presented in Gojira (1954) and therefore are missing out on an important part of the monster's origin story. Unfortunately, it wasn't until 2006, over fifty years after the movie premiered in Japan, that the original subtitled and uncut version of Gojira was released on DVD in the United States. Up until this point, the only version of the film that was widely available on home video in the United States was the heavily cut and dubbed American version (known as Godzilla: King of the Monsters). The American version, while lovable in its own right as a piece of campy '50's science fiction, does not handle the original story with much care and accuracy. Nearly all of the political messages and illusions found in the original Japanese version were cut so as not to turn-off American viewers.

The political messages in Gojira, while occasionally heavy-handed, are absolutely essential to the storyline. Even Godzilla's first attack, which results in the sinking of a small fishing boat, is a clear reference to a specific nuclear accident, in which United States nuclear tests caused the contamination of the cargo and crew aboard the Lucky Dragon No. 5, a Japanese fishing boat. Viewed in this historical context, Gojira is haunting. Gojira 1954 is, arguably, the only Godzilla movie that is interested in its human character as much as it is interested in Godzilla himself. Here the monster is merely a metaphor for the nuclear threat. He does not have a personality as he does in the later films. This Godzilla does not does not dance and play with children, here he is much more animal like.

In regard to the human characters, this film features my all-time favorite, non-monster Godzilla character: the eye-patch wearing Dr. Serizawa. Serizawa is the type of scientist that only exists in the movies. He's reclusive, lives in a house that resembles a castle, and is tormented by the terrible power of his inventions. Serizawa is the tragic hero of the film. He holds the secret to defeating Godzilla in his invention, "the oxygen destroyer". True to its name, the oxygen destroyer is a device that sucks all the oxygen out of the surrounding water it is placed into. But while it is an object that could prove to be the last hope for humanity, it could also, in the wrong hands, be used as a devastating weapon. It is for this reason that Dr. Serizawa is extremely conflicted. Should he save the world from Godzilla only to hand humanity the keys to further devastation in the form of a deadly weapon? Of course, in the end, Serizawa decides to use the oxygen destroyer to vanquish Godzilla, but only at great personal sacrifice.

Godzilla himself is a powerful, intimidating force in the movie. It was because of budgetary issues that special effects director Eiji Tsuburaya decided to portray the monster as a man in a suit (he had originally wanted to animate Godzilla using stop motion techniques similar to those in King Kong). The resulting "suitmation" technique would become a staple of the Godzilla films. True, it does not look "realistic", but I personally love the look of the Godzilla films and would not be happy if the monsters look different than they do now. The detail in the handcrafted buildings that Godzilla destroys are very impressive. Thanks to the human actor underneath the Godzilla suit, the monster's movements look natural. He moves and reacts to his environment similar to the way in which a real animal would. Backing Godzilla's rampages through Tokyo is a rousing soundtrack, which is topped only by the iconic roar of the monster himself.

Gojira is a genre classic. Anyone with any interest in movie monsters, specifically those from Japan, obviously need to see Gojira in its original, uncut form. It is a film with a serious political message, yet it also manages to be very entertaining and engaging while teaching its lesson. As far as Godzilla goes, he has never been more menacing than he was in this movie, as he lumbers out of the water and into the city under the darkness of night. Godzilla's introduction, his head appearing over the crest of a hill, is a classic moment. On the other hand, Godzilla's death at the end of the movie is sad, in its own way, despite his role here as an unfeeling terror.

Pillow Face

Pillow Face. No, that's not a killer (even though Hedorah is right, it would make an awesome murderer name). Pillow face is a treatment that's all the rage for the over 50s in Hollywood right now. It involves injections underneath the skin of the face to plump up, rather than pull back like a face lift, the skin. Nicole Kidman has had it. And so has Madonna. Madonna's arms are frightening, as are her gnarled Palpatine-esque hands. Exhibit A:

But her face is still really beautiful. (Left: 1986. R: 2009). Her job relies on her image. If she isn't sexually desirable, or beautiful, then her records won't sell. Celebrities are products that are bought and sold based on image. Lady Gaga is not spectacular in the looks department, but she uses her assets to her advantage (ie, covering up her face with weird head pieces). Fergie is known more for her "lady lumps" than her amphibian face. And Madonna, more than any of these singers, knows how to manipulate her image. So, while plastic surgery may be obvious in her case, the results speak for themselves. She can look in the mirror at night and admire at her beauty (I'm sure she does already). Her male fans from the eighties, that still like her that is, can admire her beauty. And her looks will sell a few more albums and a few more concert tickets until her time is up.

A Rant About Imdb

Imdb is a great website, but only if you use it as a resource (as Esther would say of all the Internet). But things go downhill when it comes to the message boards.

Two things run in common with them:
1) The given person is considered hot.
2) The given person's sexuality is questioned.

1) Some people are really good looking. I'm sure you're thinking of that star right now. Obvious answers are Brad and Angie. But what of less traditionally attractive people? Sure, your average looking celebrities can be attractive when they try. But some people are just plain ugly. Case in point: Timothy Spall. I mean no offense whatsoever by calling him ugly. He's a fantastic actor. In fact, he seems proud of his looks (or lack thereof). His roles include rat people and the cruel headmaster of the orphanage Oliver Twist attends. He is brilliant! But brilliant looking? No. However, his board has some posts of people passionately avowing they consider him attractive! I guess in the imdb world, anything goes. Maybe it's his personality (he is colorful)...but no, they insist upon trumpeting about his looks.

2) There are plenty of gay celebrities out there: Ian McKellan and Ellen come to mind. But no, imdb message boards are not contented! Obvious heterosexual celebrities (I'll use Brad again) have questions posted on their boards that are hotly debated (is Brad gay?). This man breeds like crazy, adopts like crazy, and exudes masculinity (except for the beard that looks like bayou moss he now sports, tsk tsk Mr. Jolie). But then again, everyone said that about Erroll Flynn and Rock Hudson... but I digress. Even Ian McDiarmid, who played the evil Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars films with grace and sublimeness (that's not a word but it works), has his sexuality questioned.
I really don't know where I'm going with this... just that imdb message boards are quirky! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I guess people just really like discussing celebrities' sexuality.

On TV: Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen

“Northanger Abbey” is re-airing on Masterpiece Classic on PBS tonight. It originally showed in their superb “The Complete Jane Austen” season in 2007.

This adaptation is excellent. I cannot say that enough. Catherine Morland is a country girl who is marked by extreme naiveté. She goes to bath and meets a gentleman (who, to her delight, is an expert is muslins!) by the name of Henry Tilney. Mr. Tilney is a stereotypically Austen gentleman. She befriends another girl who turns out to be of base morality, and Catherine herself causes some hurt feelings by falling into the traps (albeit innocently) of the hideous Mr. Thorpe (really, he’s ugly). Mr. Tilney invites Catherine to Northanger Abbey, where Catherine’s naiveté truly gets out of hand. She suspects Tilney’s father of murdering his wife. You see, Catherine is reading “The Mysteries of Udolpho” and her fantasies seep into reality. The end is truly magical, when Catherine apologizes to Tilney and they wind up happily together.

“Northanger Abbey” is not typical Austen. It is a satire of the gothic trend that pervaded her time. But fans of horror, mystery and romance will greatly appreciate it. It has humorous moments (especially Catherine’s fantasies) and the gothic parody scenes are great, because the tale actually has a dark mystery!

NA is beautifully shot, and the music is wonderful. The Irish countryside substituted for Bath and its environs is a lush green. Felicity Jones is at the top of her game as Catherine Morland: she is sprightly, naïve, and her looks are pixie like. She is truly ethereal. JJ Field gives depth to an otherwise one dimensional character, as Mr. Tilney. Carey Mulligan, an awards season favorite for her turn in “An Education” this year, is as always good in this as Catherine’s flirtatious friend.

This story also contains Austen’s best inside joke. Tilney admonishes Catherine when he discovers she thinks his mother was murdered by saying “Perhaps after all it is possible to read too many novels.” The irony and wit is delightful.

If you’re in for a scare, a mystery, a laugh, and heartfelt moments, give “Northanger Abbey” a go. It’s entrancing.

Track of the Week: What is Love?

It’s a new week, and in honor of Valentine’s Day we’ve chosen a love ballad. But this song is really about someone trying to find love, because they’ve been hurt in the past. So this isn’t exactly a love ballad. But we at “Something’s wrong with Esther” are known to eschew the rules.

“What is Love?” by Jennifer Lopez from the album “Love?”

Sure, I know what you’re thinking: Jennifer Lopez?! Why, why, why? But this song is actually uplifting in its own way.

This a leak from her forthcoming album “Love?” due sometime this year. J-Lo isn’t a spectacular singer, nor is she the best actress (but her romcoms are better than her songs). Yet “What is Love?” manages to soar, albeit unexpectedly.

If you’re thinking the melody sounds familiar, you’re right. “What is Love?” blatantly steals the melody and “na na na na” parts from Nelly Furtado’s masterpiece “All Good Things” and the Pussycat Dolls’ touching “I Hate this Part” (yes, PCD can be touching when they want to be). Both were decent songs in their own right, so the combination of the best parts from both manages to strike gold in this song.

The song starts off with a hip hop/dance beat similar to the songs it steal from. What makes this song shine is J-Lo’s vocal work. Her voice has never sounded better, especially in the end when she belts out over the choruses. The lyrics are actually poignant, reflective and touching, and semi-autobiographical.

Is it original? No. It actually sounds like any other ballad on the radio. Is it decent, in its own way? Listen and decide for yourself.

No illegal activity was intended by posting this video. Go and buy the album when it comes out to make up for listening to this.

Should've been Nominated: Public Enemies

Sometimes a movie comes across that you absolutely love, but bombs at the box office and fails with the critics. “Public Enemies” was one such movie.

The true story of John Dillinger and his capture, “Public Enemies” was a good movie. Filmed on location in Wisconsin, Indiana and Chicago, the movie transported viewers back to the flapper era, when gangsters were celebrities and money was stolen, not earned (it was the Great Depression).

First the weak points of the film: It dragged in some parts. When Dillinger walks into the police department shortly before his capture, the scene slowly moves along, with shots of Johnny Depp slowly looking at pictures while cops are distracted. The ending took forever.

The good parts: the action was solid. Vintage cars with gangsters and cops with tommy guns was reminiscent of “Bonny and Clyde.” The locations were really amazing. An inn where Dillinger stayed was really used. The theatre in Chicago were he was shot at featured in the movie. The music, a combination of banjos and electric guitars, was rollicking (and apt for a 1930s gun slinging gangster flick). The direction and cinematography was superb, as the film had the feel of a black and white movie.

The luminescent Cotillard as "Black Bird"

The best part was the acting. I am by no means a Johnny Depp fan. (Fangirls, I’ll say it, he’s ugly). But he really worked as Dillinger. He had the right amount of criminality and suaveness to play the part. Marion Cotillard, a favorite of “There’s Something wrong with Esther,” was impeccable as usual. She played Dillinger’s girlfriend, “the Black Bird.” She conveyed the right amount of worry and thrill. The role potentially could have been one dimensional (say, if Jessica Biel played her) but Cotillard can give any role depth and significance. And who can forget Christian Bale? He is consistently good. Whether in big blockbusters, or small indies, he often carries his films. He played the detective that pursued Dillinger. He mixed the essence of Dean Martin-esque coolness and appeal with determination. Cotillard and Bale worked best together, especially in the scene where he carries her, crying after being tortured, out of the police station.

We think Cotillard should have been nominated as Best Supporting Actress, at least for her stint in “Nine” or this movie. Bale should have received a nomination, or at least a Golden Globe nomination. Cinematography and Original Score would have been nice too. That Sandra Bullock could get nominated for the “Blind Side” (Really, Academy? Really?) and such excellent films as “Nine,” “Public Enemies,” and “The Road” should be snubbed is a real shame.

A Land Unfit For the Living: R-Point

R-Point (2004) is a Korean thriller set during the Vietnam War. The movie begins with a static-filled cry for help over the radio. There's one major problem with this however- the group of soldiers calling for help over the radio were presumed dead before the radio transmissions. In fact, the one remaining survivor of this group claims he witnessed their deaths firsthand. In response, the South Korean army assembles a rag-tag group of soldiers. There mission is simple- travel to "R-Point" and find the missing soldiers. If they make it back, they are promised a ticket home. Unfortunately for them, nothing that goes into R-Point comes out intact.

R-Point is a hot spot for paranormal activity. It is a piece of land that, as one of the characters explains, is unfit for either the living or the dead. The ghost elements of the story are very well done. Things unfold slowly, and while this might be a turn-off to some viewers, I found it to be a very effective way of letting the atmosphere and tension crawl under your skin. R-Point is a (relatively) quiet film. It is best viewed when you have the time/inclination to sit down and think about it.

...Because you will need to spend some serious time thinking about it. If I had one major complaint with R-Point it would be that it is, at times, frustratingly confusing. But while this aspect makes the movie, at times, infuriating, it makes the storyline intriguing and mysterious. I tried to guess as to whether my confusion comes from being an American who doesn't know much about Korean myth, or if it was an intentional thing. We may never know. What I do know, from doing a bit of reading online, is that this confusion is pretty standard amongst American audiences.

Regardless of my, and some others, confusion, it's clear that there are some great ideas and concepts in R-Point. In particular there are some really striking visuals to be found; blood drips from an old radio that's covered in cobwebs, a soldier stands in what appears to be an empty field, only for a strike of lightning to illuminate the rows of graves next to him. The sounds of R-Point, from the static filled radio transmissions to the jingle of bells, also provide a percentage of the required creepiness.

I think that's about all I can say about R-Point without spoiling the strange, haunting journey it takes you on. Ghost movies don't always work for me. In particular, Asian ghost stories often inspire boredom in me more often than they do fear. That said, I enjoyed R-Point. Regardless of my confusion during parts of the film, I couldn't stop watching. I found the movie overall to be very haunting and atmospheric. I also found myself more emotionally connected with these characters than I do in many in other supernatural horror films. Often, I cared when a character died because I knew he was, flaws and all.

To those who have the patience, I recommend R-Point.

Thank you for the Memories Oprah

Legend. Philanthropist. Hero. Oprah Winfrey has come a long way from the tar shacks of the rural south to the living rooms, and hearts, of the world.

Oprah announced recently that her show is ending in September 2011. Her show has been a staple of American culture for 25 years. Its end is both fitting and tragic. Through the years Oprah has entertained us all with celebrity guests, sensational real life stories, and life improvement episodes. She has led us to “live our best life.”

Who can forget all the moments, so numerous they are they cannot all be named. Tom Cruise jumping on the couch. A hundred year old who just learned to read. Oprah’s birthday celebrations. Gayle and Oprah’s road trip.

Every episode, every moment, every laugh, every tear has marked an important part in the lives of many people.

As Oprah said in her tearful heartfelt announcement, we have grown up with her. We have let Oprah into our homes for an hour everyday, but she changed our lives forever.

Thank you, Oprah. Thank you for all the memories. We love you.

The timing is right. She has been doing this for so long, that it’s just business for her. She’s changed from championing the common person to basking in her own arrogant triumph and wealth. She commands legions of housewives to consume whatever product she throws at them. Oprah, like many good things, can go on for so long that they outlast their prime. All good things come to an end.

Oprah gained weight again by eating Organic Garden of Eatin' Blue Chips, which are bland and stale tasting. Oprah humiliated an author for lying to her. Oprah won an election for Obama.
Oprah uses corporate gifts as her own for her giveaway episodes. Oprah is celebrity obsessed and has abandoned the common man.

But Oprah has a school for girls, whom are her daughters (even if she all but steals them from parents). Oprah has a best friend in Gayle, who is beyond friends, beyond family. Oprah has given away a lot of money. Oprah singlehandedly made discussing sexual abuse and weight issues acceptable.

Oprah, like all of us, is human. But her legacy and her mark on entertainment is undeniable.

Should've been Nominated: The Road

A father and son walk alone, avoiding the roads, in a post-apocalyptic world. They learn from each other about love and life. The father and son "carry the fire"--a fire that cannot be extinguished by time or death.

This is the premise of The Road, a faithful and moving adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's Pulitzer Prize winning masterpiece.

Why this movie wasn't nominated for Oscars is really beyond us! I mean, why, why, why?!

The Road's cinematography was arresting. As Hedorah commented upon seeing the film, the devastated world, shot in bleak greys and whites, was actually beautiful. The scene where the father places his wedding ring on an overpass contains extraordinary visuals: the grey concrete against a grey sky evokes the father's relationship with his wife.

The acting was incredible. Precious was carried by the tour-de-force performance of Mo'Nique as Mary, the abusive mother, but The Road contained a bevy of impeccable performances. Viggo Mortensen's portrayal of the father conveyed the unconditional love he had for his son ("you have my whole heart" he says when dying). Kodi Smit McPhee's youth didn't hinder his abilities, of note is the scene where he cries to his father "I am the one. I am the one who worries." Even Charlize Theron did a wonderful job as the restless and depressed wife who one day walks away from everything, into the fiery black void. But the real scene stealer was Robert Duvall as the Old Man. Hearing him speak of the world before the cataclysm was amazing. His eyes teared up when he spoke of his son. He was angry, upset, and grateful all at once. Even the moment when he (humorously) vomits up a can of DelMonte peaches shows the toll the world has taken on him.

And who can forget the thrills of this movie? Whether encountering a bunker full of bodies waiting to be consumed (the gasp worthy scene of "help us" proves our point), a band of marauders consuming their dead friend, or a woman and daughter being chased near a set of skulls on spikes, this movie was thrilling. We lament the absence of a particularly grisly scene from the book, involving a pregnant woman, a fetus "extracted" therefrom, and a fire and spit.

This film deserved acting Oscar nominations for Viggo Mortensen (Lead), Robert Duvall (Supporting), Koti Smitt McPhee (Supporting), and Charlize Theron (Supporting). The cinematographers deserve Oscar nominations. We even wish it had been given Best Picture and Best Director nominations. And if anyone ought to have won, it would have to be Robert Duvall.

"Even if you knew what to do, you wouldn't know what to do."

[on death] "We can't afford such luxuries in times as these."

A Sad Valentine: My Bloody Valentine (1981)

For the inhabitants of Valentine Bluffs, Valentine's Day means more than just Hallmark cards and dinner reservations. You see, it was on a Valentine's Day, many years ago, when an explosion in the mine left a group of workers trapped inside. Only one of the miners, a man named Harry Warden, survived the accident. However, by the time he was rescued, his sanity had left him entirely. One year later, on the anniversary of the explosion (aka Valentine's Day), he returned to take revenge on the workers whose negligence caused his entrapment in the mine. Harry Warden was captured by the police, but, even now, twenty years later, his dark deeds still haunt the local population, whose Valentine's Day traditions are now plagued with fears and superstitions.

Such is the set-up to the 1981 Canadian slasher film "My Bloody Valentine", a movie that was remade (in 3-D, no less) last year. While I had heard of this film before it was remade, it wasn't until after seeing the remake that I felt compelled to track this one down. I was glad I did. While on the surface it looks like it could be just another derivative 1980's teen horror film, it has a surprising amount of originality and creativity.

One of the major things that makes this movie work for me is the setting. Valentine's Bluffs is a small town whose centerpiece is the local mine. If there was ever a location that was seemingly made for these types of movies- it would be a mine. Small, dark, maze-like, isolated, and claustrophobic, it is the last place you want to be whilst running from a killer with a pickax. Not all of the movie takes place in the dark interior of the mine, of course. It isn't until the end when a group of the kids end up in the mine, alone and, at first, oblivious to the murders that are occurring above them.

Let's talk about these murders for a minute- simply put, they're awesome. Despite the fact that our killer has nothing on him but a mining suit and a pickax, he manages to get pretty creative with the kills. Harry Warden (or is it really Harry Warden?) is adept at using his environment to maximum impact. Showers, washing machines, and boiling pots of water are all used for devious purposes. The special effects highlight Harry's bloody deeds excellently. I know this movie is over twenty years old, but the effects are still pretty impressive. One scene of note involves a man whose eye gets poked out with the pickax-the result on screen is gruesome and effective.

Harry himself makes for an entertaining character. He is covered from head to toe in miner's garb, with his face hidden behind a gas mask. His ominous, Darth Vader-style breathing provides an interesting audio accompaniment to his violent deeds. There's also the mystery as to whether or not it is actually Harry Warden himself behind the mask. I won't spoil anything, but observant viewers shouldn't find the ending too terribly shocking.

My Bloody Valentine is, in my opinion, a top-notch slice of entertainment for those who enjoy slasher films from this era. Just one parting note- for those who are interested in this movie, make sure you watch the extended cut, and steer clear of the theatrical version. My Bloody Valentine was heavily cut for theaters and, as a result, the theatrical version of the film is virtually bloodless, and slightly choppy. The extended version, which is available on the DVD, features none of these problems. True, the added footage is a bit grainy, but it won't take anything from your enjoyment of the film.